No one in Tokyo talks about internet dating--which isn't to say people don't do it. But all my online monster friends were like, "What, you haven't been on a date in a hundred years? OMG, Kuriko, you have got to try Tinder."
       I discovered you just swipe the picture aside if the guy looks like a creeper, and you only get messaged by men whose pictures you like. I got two hundred messages in three days. Maybe it was because they saw the Photoshopped glamour shots of my face. I should have realized that would be a problem.
       The first few dates ran screaming from the secluded cave where I suggested we meet. Or I should say, they tried to run. I caught them in my web and very patiently explained that just because I was a spider from the waist down didn't mean I was heartless.
       "I have needs too. I'm just like any other girl who wants to be loved," I said.
       When that didn't work, I spun my spider silk around them and saved them for later, hoping they would change their minds.
       The last guy I captured went on and on about how he would never change his mind. "That photo was so misleading! You're worse than that lady who posted a photo of herself from fifteen years ago when she was young and thin."
       Yeah, I did feel a little guilty about that.
       "I wouldn't sleep with you if my life depended on it!" he shouted.
       Anger flared deep in my core. I didn't feel bad about eating him.
        I was about to give up on online dating when HelloKittyZombieFlesh23 said to me, "Post a photo of yourself from the waist down."
       I considered shaving all eight of my legs, but ultimately I decided I wanted a man who would like me for who I am. I followed my friend's advice. I posted a naked selfie.
       I got one message. All it said was, "Is it true what they say about a jorogumo and Fifty Shades of Shibari?"
       From the comment, I suspected he wasn't afraid of bondage. That was a plus.
       We messaged each other late into the night. His name was Darwin. He was blond and American and visiting Tokyo on business the next day. He was dreamy and delicious. Best of all, his Japanese was flawless. I was so excited!
       "There's nothing hotter than eight hairy, shapely legs," he said.
       I was so glad I hadn't shaved. I thought this was a good sign, that he understood me. I couldn't have been more wrong.
       He suggested a ramen shop to start off the evening. My presence in the restaurant caused quite a commotion, and all the patrons fled. But Darwin didn't mind. He was such an optimist. "How romantic," he said. "Now we're all alone. I've always wanted to try spider silk bondage in a noodle shop."
       I giggled uncomfortably and nodded to the head cook in the kitchen, staring at us over the counter. His eyes were wide, either from the sight of me or from what Darwin had said. I excused Darwin's cavalier words in public as being an American thing.
       "So I read online that jorogumo chicks love skinny-dipping. Is that true?" he asked. "I know this great co-ed hot spring just outside the city."
       "I try not to go on dates in lakes or pools," I said. "Not after what happened with my last boyfriend." I sighed, my heart heavy when I thought of my former samurai lover from over a hundred years ago. I realized then I was probably oversharing, but he didn't react.
       "My hotel room has a hot tub, so you don't have to worry about me drowning. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The evening is still young. Has anyone ever told you what beautiful spinnerets you have? Oh, and by the way, I figured you were probably tired of seducing men in dark caves, so I made reservations for a karaoke booth tonight."
       He didn't even let me answer. He just plowed on like he knew more about me than I did. I told myself not to be so picky. He was the only one who had responded favorably to my selfie.
       Inside a private karaoke booth, Darwin was so cute singing that American song by Meghan Trainor. He changed the lyrics to, "I'm all about that thorax."
       As the night progressed, I noticed all he wanted to sing about--or talk about--was my fangs or venom or silk gland. Not once did he say I had pretty hair or nice eyes. Nor did he seem interested in talking about my online degree in library science. I had this icky feeling that he wasn't right for me--or anyone else.
       "Kuroko, my love, what do you say we go back to my hotel room and get a little web action going on?" he asked.
       "Um, I hardly know you," I said. "This is very forward." One of my legs twitched in nervousness, knocking him backwards.
       He fell onto the sofa in the karaoke booth, grinning like an idiot. "You know, hotel rooms are highly overrated. What do you say to doing it here?"
       "Yeah, what if I just eat you right here?"
       Instead of looking horrified, he looked thrilled. I should have realized sooner there's something not quite right about a man who doesn't look at you with fear when you're a demon spider.
       He leaned forward and stroked my leg. I shot out a string of silk and wrapped it around his ankles and then his wrists. When he tried to rise, he fell onto the floor, squirming around until he had a view up my dress. Ugh! He was pathetic.
       I kicked him away.
       "I like it when a girl plays rough," he said.
       "Oh yeah?" I threw him through the wall.
       Through the hole, I could see the horrified couple in their booth. They screamed and ran out. Darwin was only bleeding from a small cut on his hand. How was it freak'n possible he didn't break any bones? I didn't know what he was, but he wasn't human.
       "Oh, baby, show me how you love me," he begged.
       Ick! I hurled the television screen at him next, widening the hole.
       I crawled through the hole in the wall after him. When I bit him and sucked out his blood, he moaned in pleasure. It made me sick. Or maybe it was the funny taste to his blood that made me queasy. I considered biting his head off, but I didn't think I could. I was afraid he would like it too much if I tried. I left him hanging upside down from the ceiling instead.
       I still had a few more eligible males stuck to my web at home.